Red Flags of Family Dysfunction

For the second time since my Mothers death in 2020 I am experiencing a family implosion. I am back in that "Cycle of Anguish" reliving events in my mind to try to comprehend. 

I have ceased contact with my middle child. 

In reality the situation is far more complex than our current circumstances would seem to suggest. Our family break-up was destined to happen when in February 2020, I decided to no longer include toxic family members and relationships in my life.

I have a wonderful husband and together we had 3 children. As parents we now acknowledge that every member of this little family has always eventually in some way 'given in' to our middle child and let him 'win' because we tried to keep the peace or preserve our own sanity. We tried to teach our children good values and ethics, but now as adults our value systems do not align with his and the eventual outcome whenever we see him is conflict or our submission.

By no means do I blame the entire family break up on him, I know I am not a perfect human being and I am increasingly less patient with age. This family may one day find a way back to a better version of a family if we all take a long and significant break to reaffirm our own goals, values and needs. But I know that in future I will never allow myself to be treated the way I have for the past decade.

My husband and I now look back on the past decade and remember major arguments we had with the middle child (he's almost 30years old now) every time we saw him, we had tried to put those out of our mind, but in reality each of those arguments led us closer towards the next argument and we see a cycle of toxic situations in which we allowed ourselves to be disrespected despite financially supporting our son in many ways such as:

• he lives rent free in our investment property
• we gave him a car
• we paid him an allowance when he was between welfare payments (a whole year when he studied his masters degree)
• we paid to replace necessary items and appliances when they broke
• we paid for annual airfares to the USA for him to visit us

We have literally spent hundreds of thousands of dollars in the last decade to support a toxic relationship that was not in our best interests.

Start to see the reality of your relationships. Sticking your head in the sand only defers the painful moment when the dysfunction can no longer be ignored.

Here's an interesting article that might help you recognize signs of dysfunction:

https://www.brown.edu/campus-life/support/counseling-and-psychological-services/dysfunctional-family-relationships