The knots we tie...

Grief is such a hard journey to live. Our minds try to make sense and help us cope with unfathomable pain. In time we do become calmer. That calmness is simply our grief becoming part of who we are. We weave that pain into our soul and begin to accept its presence. 

But inevitably as the cycle of life continues daily in an unstoppable rollercoaster, there will be a new grief at some point, another loss.

If you have grieved deeply any new loss or anticipated loss can revive the initial grief. Last year the depth of my grief at the loss of my mother was truly unfathomable. 

Now I'm reliving that grief as my 11 year old dog slowly ages. She was diagnosed with congestive heart failure last week and we were told she has less than a year to live. If you aren't a dog person perhaps you can't understand what a big part of your life a dog becomes. For 11 years Ebony has been my baby girl, a delightful and consistent presence in my life who is precocious, energetic, bossy, loving, independent and stoic. 

We will live this year in 'anticipatory grief' as we try to enjoy what time she has left. 

Mid last week, I found myself looking up to the heavens and saying to my mum "I will need you to look after my baby girl soon". I am agnostic; I don't believe in the concept of heaven. But my mind is struggling to cope with yet another loss and it is snatching at straws!

Grief experiences get tied together within our wounded souls, my loss of mum and the impending loss of Ebony are tightly tied together like a knot of despair ensuring that this grief journey will be twice as hard, I am reliving past bereavement as I experience this new grief.

My only solace is in knowing that love is worth pain, anguish and heartache.