A slow realization...

 My mother was the most important woman in my life, I loved her and cared about her wellbeing. A few days after her death I bought a box of coke for our hotel room:

I didn't notice until  we got back to the hotel with it, that the box I picked off the shelf had these two can images; Mum & BFF. It was  a sign of the hard road ahead in my grief processing.

She was a wonderful grandmother to my 3 boys and a fabulous mum who taught me tenacity, strength, self care and love along with many other values and principles.

I am beginning to realize I will never recover from this grief it will simply become a part of who I am.

I saw this personality transition in mum, she never truly got over the death of her own mother. 

I am sure the family violence and abuse I was subjected to after her death didn't help with my emotional ability to process my feelings but... it is what it is. 

One day at a time is my mantra. 

Thankfully I have a wonderful life with a beloved husband and our own family, so I know I am happier than the selfish, greedy, pothead, alcoholic sister who drove me out of my father's life.